i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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