I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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