he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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