I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
