Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
