Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
