I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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