He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
