so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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