dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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