remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
