Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
