I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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