Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
