Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
