saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
