holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You were trust falling into bushes
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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