is your mom at the bar?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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