3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
grandma shit on top of the toilet
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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