so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Damn victory sex feels great
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
