Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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