We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
barbara walters just said penis...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
ugly people sure do ruin things
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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