I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
