my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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