You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
