My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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