I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The Olympian is in my bed
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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