I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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