I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
