I will die if light touches me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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