I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
