I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
