i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
