two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
