Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My vagina is very pro this idea
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
