Duck Duck Cougar?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
