Umm I'm too high to move.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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