I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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