I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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