my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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