i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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