so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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