Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
