Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
