i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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