were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
50% drunk capacity currently
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize