So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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