He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
