well he's currently spooning the coffee table
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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