I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
