I heard we made out
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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