What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
