Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize