She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Mom said you looked used
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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