god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
