idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
