It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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