So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
