I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
