ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
