I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
