Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
