There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
