If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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