was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize