Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
