now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
