and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
