You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
