Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
