see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
